A Solid Call 2.0

Philosophy of a Perfect Game : In the pantheon of timeless philosophical questions, the real whoppers are “What would you do if you had a million dollars?” and “Who would you bang if you could have anybody in the world?”

But, less obvious and more intriguingly rounding out the top three is “What song would you want played if you came to bat in a big league park?”

This classic came up again last night, and I delivered a snap answer, But, like all good philosophical questions, the unknowable continued to percolate in the back of my mind. I’ve decided that I’m not happy with my first answer.

There are a lot of important conditions to consider when tackling this conundrum, but the top three are:

Number One: Recognition Factor

I can’t emphasize this enough. There is nothing worse in a ballpark than hearing an unfamiliar song blasted over the PA. The acoustics are non-optimal to begin with, so your mind needs to unconsciously fill in the bits that you can’t actually hear. Admittedly, not everyone is hip enough to know all the cool songs of the past 20 years, but you’ve got to find some threshold of popularity. So even if you think Ash’s “Burn Baby Burn” rocks that hard, skip it. The lesson, as always, is that nobody in North America knows Ash.

Number Two: Envy Factor

This one is almost at odds with Recognition Faction, but it is crucial to have them both. The key here is that other players have to nod and think “Damn, why didn’t I pick that?” So, it has to be something nobody else has picked – at least recently. That’s hard to do while keeping it memorable, but if you want perfection, you have to put in the effort.

Number Three: Badass Factor

You might think this is obvious, but know that badass can have many faces. “Lowrider” in Gone in 60 Seconds? Obvious and cheesy. “Lowrider” when Mark Loretta comes up to bat for the Padres? Badass.

I think I did a pretty good job with my snap pick of Nate Dogg’s “I Got Love,” but it’s not perfect. For Badass, it’s near the league leaders, but for Recognition and Envy, I think it’s hovering around the Mendoza line.

No, we need a real triple crown candidate – something that can that can put fear in the hearts of each opponent, something that will rock the park from top to bottom. And, my friends, I think I have it.

The "Imperial March" from Empire Strikes Back.